


What a bunch of ducks

by newtmasdoesthedo



Series: Well, except Newt. He calls me Tommy. [9]
Category: The Maze Runner (2014), The Maze Runner Series - All Media Types, The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Harry Potter AU, M/M, Please Don't Take This Seriously, crackfic, seriously, set in the same verse at my other Harry Potter AU - not the sequel though, this is just some random shit that I thought was fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-21 07:12:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2459462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newtmasdoesthedo/pseuds/newtmasdoesthedo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I believe you’d do better to be dismissed, Mr. Isaacs. Get yourself to the library and see if a solution has been found for you. I believe your… boyfriend… to be very resourceful. If not go to the hospital wing immediately.”</p><p>Newt nodded silently, gathering his things and trying to ignore the burning sensation that told him that his entire face was Gryffindor-red. Frypan was still laughing his ass off, although Alby seemed to have gotten a couple of kicks in towards his stomach. “Fuck you later.”</p><p>“Sounds great.” And another kick was aimed at his housemate before Newt made his way out of the room, hating every single second of his life that could possibly have led up to this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What a bunch of ducks

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. This is for [my wifey](http://onemaytolerateaworldfullofdemons.tumblr.com).  
> 2\. I have absolutely no excuses for doing this apart from the fact that I felt like writing something stupid.  
> 3\. Also I wanted to write DICKS DICKS DICKS to wifey the other day and my phone autocorrected me to DUCKS DUCKS DUCKS, so when we were out for a walk this happened.  
> 4\. And I have terrible humor.  
> 5\. And frustrated Newt is one of my favorite things.  
> 6\. I'm not even sorry.  
> 7\. Just blame her wifey really. (by that I mean go send her love on tumblr)

The day had started pretty normally. Newt had all but dragged himself to the Great Hall, having been all up night trying to keep an eye on Thomas and Minho, making sure that the bloody idiots didn’t get themselves into too much trouble. Being Head Boy while having the most annoyingly mischievous friends since Fred and George Weasley or the Marauders (whom Thomas and Minho admired like there was no tomorrow) wasn’t exactly easy, and balancing this with studying for the most N.E.W.T.s (yes, a lot of jokes had been made on that one, especially by Thomas, the ever-so-witty bugger) and frequent make-out sessions (often on top of his homework because Thomas was seriously so much harder to take care of than his cat?) wasn’t exactly easy. So Newt usually didn’t say much until he’d gotten his first cup of coffee. Okay his first two cups of coffee. On a good day. More likely he had to go through 4, of which he only tasted the last one due to tiredness.  
  
Which was why it took a while for him to realize that something was wrong. “This coffee is buddy brilliant.” He stated, finally sitting up a bit straighter after Thomas had patted him on his back softly. “I mean… this coffee is buddy brilliant. What the duck?”  
  
He blinked in confusion. He wasn’t _that_ tired. He should have had control over his tongue by now. “What the buddy duck is happening?”  
  
Thomas seemed just as lost as he was, staring at him, “Uh, are you okay, Newt? Maybe you should go to the hospital-wing, I’ll walk you if you want to?” he offered, and Newt shook his head stubbornly. “No, I have to get to Potions, I’ll…” he shrugged helplessly, putting his forehead on the table (barely missing his steaming plate of eggs). “What is happening to the world?”  
  
Chuck piped up across from them, “It’s like autocorrect. iPhones doesn’t like you to use swearwords and stuff, so sometimes they change it. One time my friend tried to text me “dicks dicks dicks” and it turned to “ducks ducks ducks”. I don’t understand the “bloody” thing though, it’s not really a swearword, is it?”  
  
Newt groaned into the hardwood, swatting at Thomas’ hand irritably when his boyfriend tried to pat his hair comfortingly. “If this is one of you, I swear to ducking Rod, I will drill you in your sleep.” Another long-suffering groan as Chuck and Minho started to snicker, and he turned his face to look at Thomas, “If you say a single word I will cut off your funk.”  
  
His boyfriend smiled sheepishly, obviously having been just about to say something, and Newt snarled at him, standing up rapidly and grabbing his plate on the way. “ _You_ ,” he barked, pointing at Chuck, “Get me a list of all the muggleborns, one of you annoying little buggers with your stupid techonology must be behind this.” He hissed, turning his attention to Minho, “ _You_ try to get through the morning without getting yourself in trouble, I’m out of cards to play if you screw anything up,” and then to his boyfriend, “And _you_ come with me.”  
  
Thomas looked slightly terrified, but stood up, staring helplessly at their friends who just shrugged. “Well, wouldn’t want to get my funk cut off.”  
  
Another terrifying stare managed to silence him, and he stumbled after as Newt took a deadly grip on his wrist and forcefully dragged him out. “You know, I’m starting to get a bit worried that you’re actually planning to cut off my junk, but then I realized that you wouldn’t want that, since you enjoy getting ducked by it so much.” He stated, and of course he was unable to resist making another joke, Newt should have known, but none the less he spun around and stared him dead in the eye.  
  
“This is not funny, Tommy. You’re on trying to find a way to reverse this with me. If I don’t get rid of this bugging curse you will get another duck out of me in your entire life, okay? I won’t be briding you ‘till you steam if I’m gonna be talking about buddy ducks while doing it!”  
  
That seemed to get through Thomas’ thick skull, because he laughed nervously and shrugged, obviously having no ideas at all. Newt narrowed his eyes. “If you had anything to do with this, Tommy…”  
  
“I didn’t, I swear! I know you’re really stressed out, if I knew anything about this I’d say it, promise!” Thomas stated, obviously slightly panicked with the mere thought of not getting any ever again, moving to take one of Newt’s hands, managing to grab a hold of it although the blonde moved it while staring him down. “Newt, I promise we’ll find a way to fix it. I’m sorry I made a bad joke. But you gotta admit, it’s kind of funny. Imagine if this had happened to Gally or Alby. How fun would that be? Maybe take it as a sign that you should unwind a bit, you’re so tightly wound.” The brunette tried, and imagining Alby spewing autocorrect was… well, Newt couldn’t help the way his lip curled up a bit in one side. Also Thomas’ puppy eyes never seized to tug at his heartstrings, so he took a  deep breath and relaxed the tense set of his shoulders just slightly.  
  
Visibly relieved, Thomas laughed softly, “See, doesn’t that feel better?” in getting a stern glance from Newt, he pulled him closer and wrapped him in his arms. “We’ll fix it. I’ll ask T if she has any ideas. Maybe her and Minho can figure something out. And I’ll go ask professor McGonagall, she might just have an idea. Hey wait, did you take points from anyone lately? It might be that someone is angry with you?”  
  
Newt spluttered indignantly, “That would be so childish, I only take buddy points from people if they break the rules!”  
  
Thomas drew back a bit and sent him an amused glance.  
  
“Okay I only take points from people if they break the rules and aren’t you or Minho.”

  
His boyfriend nodded, “So, anything come to mind?”  
  
Newt bit his lip, trying to remember if he’d done something of the likes in the past few days. “No, I don’t think I have.” he muttered, trying his best not to look too defeated. This was not the start he’d wanted on his day. He had a busy schedule and unfortunately the whole first part of his day was with Alby and Frypan, not any of the people he’d already recruited to help him. Fry would have a ball with this.  
  
Thomas nodded, leaning in for a quick peck on his cheek. “Tell Alby, he’s in your Potions class, yeah? He’ll try to help if he can. Don’t tell Fry if you can get around it, he’ll laugh his ass off and I don’t think they’ll let you stay Head Boy if you crazy murder someone.” He smiled when Newt flashed him an annoyed look, and leaned in for a real kiss. It took him a couple of seconds of peppering small kisses on the corner of Newt’s mouth, but when he nibbled on his lower lip Newt finally gave out and moved in, allowing himself to forget his misery for just a couple of seconds and get thoroughly snogged by his amazing, mischievous duck _dick_ of a boyfriend. “At least it autocorrects to pretty PG stuff, it could be worse. My dad’s got an iPhone, sometimes they go like all crazy and makes everything sound like the start of a bad porn.” At Newt’s incredulous look he shrugged, “I’ll explain later. Going to talk to McGonagall now.”  
  
And with that Thomas left him standing there, slightly dazed (because those kisses never got old) and a little more hopeful because hey – if it could have been worse he wasn’t going to complain. At least no one could take points from his house for _not_ swearing.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Thinking that things wouldn’t get any worse had probably been naïve. He’d told Alby and Fry about his problem and steered clear of basically all curses. Alby had made an off-hand comment that it improved his attitude, which had earned him a glare so hot and angry Frypan spent the rest of the lesson making jokes about Newt burning straight through cauldrons. That’s when things had started going wrong. Just as Newt was starting to lose his temper for real everything escalated and broke into utter madness.  
  
“Fry, I really need you to shut your dick right now.”  
  
Both of his friends stared in awe. “Shut my a what now?”  
  
Newt blinked. “I meant to say cock.”  
  
Fry’s expression was one of pure gleeful joy. “You meant to say _what?”_  
  
“Shut your vagina before I kick you in the twat.”  
  
Even Alby couldn’t help himself from laughing at that, the dark boy doubling over in a fit that made Newt question for what felt like the thousandth time today if he should consider getting new friends.  
  
“By Merlin,” Fry laughed, leaning up against Alby who was drying his eyes, not the one to usually lose control like this, and that told Newt more than anything else that he probably looked like he’d eaten something bad. “I think it’s starting to align itself to your usual vocabulary. That’s what you get for being such a foulmouthed twat, it’s finally caught up with what words you use the most.” Fry gasped, demonstrating once again why you shouldn’t be friends with muggleborns.  
  
Newt took a deep breath before snapping in his frustration, “I don’t know what you’re talking about! How does these pricks even work? I want to be rid of this ducking – FUCKING! – problem, not sit here and be made an ass off by my friends! I should be with Thomas in the library, trying to figure out how to shag myself out of this problem-“ he slapped his hands in front of his mouth in horror as their professor, Mr. O’Neil stopped and sent him a stern glance.  
  
“I’m glad you prioritize your studies so highly, Mr. Isaacs. I’d recommend you give some thought to how many N.E.W.T.s you are taking if you find your mind wandering.” He sneered, sending Newt a death glance, and when the blonde removed his hands from his mouth to answer his eyes were squeezed shut in pure and utter terror. _Please not right now._  
  
“I’m sorry, professor, I’ve been horny all day.”  
  
He vaguely noted that Frypan had fallen out of his chair laughing, and then Alby finally come to his rescue. “Professor, please don’t take any points from Hufflepuff, Newt has been cursed. He’s a very hard worker.”  
  
The Hufflepuff felt a surge of gratitude towards his friend, taking a deep breath and looking up at the Potions Master, mortified beyond anything he could ever remember feeling, and took a deep breath. “Dick.” He said while nodding, before whimpering and resting his forehead against the table.  
  
“I believe you’d do better to be dismissed, Mr. Isaacs. Get yourself to the library and see if a solution has been found for you. I believe your… boyfriend… to be very resourceful. If not go to the hospital wing immediately.”  
  
Newt nodded silently, gathering his things and trying to ignore the burning sensation that told him that his entire face was Gryffindor-red. Frypan was still laughing his ass off, although Alby seemed to have gotten a couple of kicks in towards his stomach. “Fuck you later.”  
  
“Sounds great.” And another kick was aimed at his housemate before Newt made his way out of the room, hating every single second of his life that could possibly have led up to this.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Newt made it to the library without having to talk to anyone else. Which was good, because if one more person called him “Autocorrect” he might just strangle them. And whoever told on him. When he flopped down in a chair and put his face on the table Thomas looked up. “That bad?”  
  
“I told Alby and Frypan that I’d fuck them later. I tried to say see.” He muttered, pain lacing his voice, and Thomas sent him a sympathetic glance and came over, rubbing his shoulders softly.  
  
“I may have a solution. I don’t want you to get your hopes up, though. I talked to professor McGonagall and she called in Mrs. Weasley.”  
  
Newt’s eyes widened, and Thomas patted his cheek softly, knowing exactly how mortified Newt would feel because he thought so highly of the famous witch formerly known as Hermione Granger. “She’s brilliant, if anyone can remove it it’s her. Did you know she spent some time studying the intermingling of Muggle technology and magic?” he chatted, very obviously hoping to distract Newt from his mortification. “She’s in the principal’s office right now, but they’ll be here as soon as they can.”  
  
Newt just whimpered softly and closed his eyes. “I hate everything. And everyone. I need to know who did this to me. I could suck their cock off.”  
  
“I really hope you meant cut.”  
  
“I did.”  
  
Thomas nodded slightly, sitting down in one of the soft chairs himself and pulling at Newt softly until the blonde shifted and let Thomas cradle him in his lap. “I don’t understand. I didn’t do anything to anyone. I’ve been really nice when I’ve sent people to bed lately.” He muttered, hiding his burning cheeks by burying his face in Thomas’ chest. His boyfriend hummed softly and stroked his hair.  
  
“It’s just a bad prank. You’ll be fine. I’ll prank them back for you when we find out what they did. Maybe get a dick to grow out instead of a nose.”  
  
Newt snorted at that, nosing at Thomas’ jaw himself. “You honestly have no idea who did it? You _always_ suck who’s pulling pranks.”  
  
Thomas shook his head, trying his best not to laugh at the way Newt’s words got mixed up. “I honestly don’t. Oh, here they come babe. If I fix this for you, do you want to suck who’s usually pulling pranks?”  
  
Newt sent him a stern glance and got up quickly, straightening out his clothes and trying to look as normal as possible when Hermione Weasley walked in. “Mrs. Weasley, it’s a boner to meet you.” He felt himself blanch completely and hid his face in his hands. “I’m so sorry.”  
  
A soft hand on his shoulder made him look up, and he was met by a smile almost brilliant enough to compete with Thomas’. “It’s fine, Professor McGonagall informed me of your dilemma. I’ll do what I can to help.”  
  
Newt nodded mutely, not wanting to screw up earlier, and only ten minutes later he was autocorrect free. “Thank you, I’m so grateful you’d come here.”  
  
Hermione smiled at him. “I appreciate a hard worker, when Professor McGonagall informed me of the pressure you’re under I decided that I could spare a couple of hours, I was off work anyway. There might be a few slip-ups until the curse has worn completely off. I just placed a counter-charm. Please contact me when you finish school if you’d be interested in working for me. It’s been a pleasure.”  
  
“Hardly.” He huffed, but he returned the smile giddily, relieved that this hellish day was finally over.  
  
After having shaken hands with both of them Mrs. Weasley walked off with Professor McGonagall, Newt staring after them for a while until he felt a nudge at his shoulder. “She basically just offered me a job. Hermione Weasley just offered me a job.”  
  
Thomas smirked next to him. “Should I feel jealous?”  
  
Newt turned his face and rolled his eyes. “You should feel bloody ducking proud.”  
  
Thomas’ booming laughter when he slipped up was only silenced when Newt all-but-tackled him and pressed his lips against his mouth, effectively cutting off any sound but a very smug snickering. “You’re welcome.”  
  
“Yeah, thanks, you bloody moron. I could’ve gone to McGonagall myself.”  
  
Thomas winked at him. “No. Not for that. You’re welcome.”  
  
Newt stared at him for a couple of seconds. _“YOU!”_  
  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Screams were heard all over the castle as a blonde with a wand was seen chasing a laughing brunette using a heavy volume of The History of Hogwarts for a shield down the hallway. “ _I will ducking kill you!”_  
  
“The job, babe! Remember the job! ARGH!”  
  
“DETENTION!” Alby screamed.  
  
Thomas’ answer was slightly out of breath, still laughing. “Hi Alby!”  
  
Frypan whooped behind them, “Run Greenie, run!”


End file.
